Abra Kadabra
The Power of Spoken Words

Mor cohen

October 2020

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Credit: Dollar Gill

we all recognize the importance of words, and yet we all sin by not filtering them. Allow them to flow on their own like polluted water that breaks through the dam. To our credit, we better guard the dam with colleagues and friends in our extended circle. But why when we talk to someone who is close to us; our partner or even ourselves, we allow the dam to open at any time…  and would it be right to filter my words when I talk to my partner? and Does filtering my words mean ‘not being myself’?

 

According to the prevailing approach; everything needs to be said! Especially with our partner. You shouldn’t choose or filter your words, style a question, or a request – and the most popular advice I have seen in many question-and-answer websites is; tell him, talk to her, share your feeling, do not keep in your stomach, be yourself.  So, a few days ago I found on one of the question-and-answer sites, Quora, a girl asking if she should tell her boyfriend that she develops feelings for his sister or not, and everyone answered her; of course! Sharing is importantCommunication is the basis of a good relationship and so on… and no one halted her and told her to wait a minute since it might be something fleeting, momentary, that will pass in a week or two, while the damage she might cause to her partner, his feelings, to her relationship is greater than that. And if you really feel you have to say and you no longer have the ability to carry it, have you thought how to tell him? How to share your feelings?

Most people assume that if our partner lives with us and accepts us, he should also occasionally get a shower in polluted water of words.  This is a very popular approach in psychology as well, and the question is how did we get to the point of not stopping to think what to say and what to keep to ourselves?  Even when talking to ourselves;

 

Have you ever been unable to lose the number of pounds you wanted before your good friend’s wedding, and you felt bad about yourself and then you started beating yourself “I have no willpower, no wonder I’m fat and disgusting, etc… no one has heard, and yet I am sure you felt bad about yourself. You felt very bad. So just as you need to stop self-flagellation, pick out your words and speak to yourself with love and respect, that is how you should do with your partner.

" Death and life are in the power of the tongue"

Proverbs 18:21

The world created by the creator through words

As someone who has been practicing NLP for over a decade, I deeply understand the value of words, their impact on our emotion and perception of reality. An example I like to give and do by myself: The next time you play with your child or even do homework or meet for a coffee with a friend, throw the phrase ’we have so much fun‘ and watch what happens inside you and them.  In one moment, you established a fact – we have fun together, and at the same time, you changed the perception of this moment to something completely different. You have created reality through the words.

“The famous ‘Abra Kadabra’ originates from Aramaic, which was spoken in biblical times, and means: I will create with my words.”

'The 4 Foundations of Love'

Therefore, for more than 7 years I interviewed successful couples, some without any external dependence [financial, children…], all of whom have testified that they love each other even more than they first met.

 I wanted to know what the secret language they used. Interestingly, I found they all share 4 elements. Everyone talks the same way. Everyone has a similar and healthy perception of reality enough to be able to hold a long-lasting relationship. I published the results of the study in the self-help book – The 4 foundations of love.

"Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way."​

Leo Tolstoy, Anna Karenina

The beauty of discovering and adopting this perception in an unnatural way is that it will permeate and succeed in creating for us the marital reality that we long for. Just like we said ‘we have so much fun’ and even if we just threw it in the air, the silence afterwards filled us with an inexplicable fun feeling.

So, choose your words well, when you speak to yourself, your children and your spouse. At first it might be difficult, but little by little these words will become common in your personal dictionary and your life will be changed forever.

mor vohen blog

The author, Mor Cohen, is a researcher and entrepreneur in the medical field. She has an M.Sc.Med and MBA, (Linkedin) as well as being a qualified NLP therapist, assisting couples overcoming breakups and relationship crises.

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